Who Stole My Zen?

I swear, to all that is sacred and holy, that I really have been trying to come here and write a blog post.  But this… this empty screen, it just mocks me.  I can’t, for the life of me, just sit down anymore and let the words flow.  I mean, they flow and all but they have no coherent meaning to them.  I go back and re-read what I’ve written and it sounds like something that a pre-pubescent, pimply faced girl just wrote.

There’s a lot going on in my life and yet there’s nothing going on in my life.  Does that even make sense?  It does to me.  I guess more of what’s going on with me are inner struggles and battles within myself.  I have feelings that I don’t want to have.  I HATE having feelings that I don’t want to have.  However, no matter how much I try to repress the feelings and shove them back into the recesses of my heart and mind, they’re still there.  Biting and pinching and letting me know that “Hey, bitch…whether you want us or not, we’re here!  Deal with us!”  Pfftt, whatever.

The great guy I was dating?  Yeah, he took a powder and ditched me…of course he sent me the obligatory email citing…”It’s NOT you at all…it’s totally me”.  And naturally, my feelings for him were going way beyond the feelings he was having for me.  Thank GOD I had the presence of mind to keep my feelings on the down low though.  I have learned that lesson the hard way.  Always wait for the guy to put the feelings out there and then reciprocate if you will.  It’s easier.  Trust me.  You see, this is what happens to women like me.  I’m honest.  I don’t cheat on men.  I don’t lie to them.  I don’t stalk them or make them feel stifled.  I don’t put my needs before their needs.  I listen when they need someone.  I offer up help wherever help is needed in their life.  And then… they dump me.  ALWAYS.  Not just a few times.  ALWAYS.  Pfftt, whatever.

I’m a month shy of turning 40 years old.  FORTY freaking years old.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m not ready for this stage of my life.  I had so much more that I wanted to have already accomplished by now.  I wanted to be a wife and a mother.  Well, I got divorced.  Scratch the wife thing off the list.  I can’t have babies.  Scratch that off of the list.  I wanted my dream career of being an English teacher.  I’m six college credits into making that happen.  I’ll be 44 before I’m in a classroom behind the big, awesome teacher’s desk.    I wanted to at least have a nice birthday celebration with the groovy man that was in my life.  Well, as we’ve already determined, that won’t be happening.  I don’t even have enough friends to get together to have a cool dinner party at some amazing restaurant.  Pfftt, whatever.

This is what happens when I sit down to blog.  Not much positivity flowing and a whole lot of negativity spewing forth.

Then again, maybe that’s a good thing.  Maybe vomiting all kinds of negative is good once in a while. Plus, this is my journal.  I’m entitled to spew negativity every now and then, right?P

Criminy, I need a therapist!  Or sex.  Probably both!

So I haven’t blogged in forever.  I don’t know what’s up with that.  It’s not like I don’t have things going on in my life that I could blog about.  I totally do.  I just don’t usually find the time to actually sit and write everything down.  I’ve not given up blogging though.  I’m just a slow work in progress.  Very slow.  But just to update you and keep you in the know, here’s a list of what’s been going on in life and in my mind.  Bullet style, of course!

• The kids have been out of school since June 9th.  It’s not been a month yet.  I might be ready for them to go back to school.
• It’s been hot as all fuck here in Florida and I’m over it.  Bring on the fall temps (and here in Florida, that means low 80s!)
• I’ve been up to my ass in school stuff.  Trying to get back in the swing of this and trying to maintain some sort of dignity and not fail miserably at it.
• I’ve got a week before my final exams in my two current classes.
• So far, I’ve got an A in both classes…BEFORE the final exams.  Who the hell knows what I’ll end up with after those two tests.  I’ll be happy if my final grades are high B’s or low A’s.
• My next class is Communications (read Grammar)
• This makes me a happy bitch.  While you probably can’t tell from my blog because I tend to be quite lazy, I’m a grammar whore.  I believe in punctuation, proper verb tense and not ending a sentence with a preposition.
• My other class is a Math class.
• I’m screwed
• I’m dating someone.
• He’s older than me, THANK GOD as I will never, ever, ever in this lifetime or the next, date a man who is younger than me again!  (just a personal rule for me…doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for other people)
• It’s been a month and we’ve not driven each absurdly insane
• This is a good thing
• I’d like to keep this one.  He’s normal and good looking and smart and he works a full time job and he actually pays on the date and looks at me stupidly when I pull out my wallet.  He also opens car doors and walks on the sidewalk closest to the street.  He’s got the gentleman thing down pat.
• I so deserve this kind of man in my life.
• I’ve had enough losers to last me three lifetimes…maybe four.
• My bestest friend in the world (and I say world because she’s in a different part of the world than I am) is coming to spend an entire week with me in October!  “Excited” would be such an understatement.
• There will be a get-together on the afternoon of October 17, 2010.  I don’t have all of the specifics worked out yet but details will all be forthcoming because I know you all want to get in a little Dutch Bitch time.
• Everyone who’s in Central Florida or surrounding parts and wants to come is invited.
• Just be aware that this will be family friendly as The Kid will be with Dutchie.  So if you have kids, please, by all means, bring them.
• I’m still working on a venue so if you have any suggestions and you want to give me your four cents worth (inflation yanno) then please email me.  Or Facebook Message me.  Or Twitter me (except I haven’t been logging on to Twitter lately so email or Facebook work best.

I guess that’s it. That’s a helluva lot of bullets.  Nothing like getting 30 blogs post wrapped up into one.   And on that note, I’m off to make coffee and figure out the least amount of clothing I can wear today without being obscene yet without having a heat stroke.  Tot ziens!

Wow, I guess that whole “posting on a regular basis again” thing didn’t quite work out for me.  C’est la vie!  I’ve had a lot on my mind and even more on my plate.  That’s alright though.  It keeps me out of trouble.  Mostly.  Ok, nevermind that part, but I stay pretty fucking busy.

This year has been a semi-crazy year for me so far.  I began the year by getting rid of a douchebagcockstaindumbasstwatwaffle of a “boyfriend”.  My parents moved back from Pennsylvania and we’ve been trying to help get them settled back here in Florida.  The kids have had projects out the fucking ass at school (and not just little shit either…BIG ass projects).  And, because I’m just not busy enough, I went and enrolled in school full-time.  I’m now on the official path towards a Master’s Degree.  I’ll be older than Methuselah when I get said degree but that’s alright.  I’ll be a seriously old woman with a few degrees in my hip pocket!

I’d tried to talk myself out of school for so long and I always seem to be able to justify not going back.  But one day I got an IM from a close friend and he was so excited to tell me that he was going back to school.  He was going to follow a dream and make it happen.  I was so proud of him but I was a little jealous at the same time.  It was then that I realized that I was the only thing preventing me from seeking out my dream.  I was too lazy to seek out grant or financial aid options because I just assumed that sort of thing didn’t apply to me.  Umm, hello idiot, your village is calling!!  Yeah, I got full grants and full financial aid.  I’m a happy bitch!  So, if all goes as planned and I keep my nose to the grindstone, I’ll see a lifetime goal come to fruition and you’re truly will end up being one helluva English Literature teacher!   Yay me!  So yeah, long story not so much shorter, my friend was a complete inspiration to me and now I’ll be forced to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings” each time we talk.  He’ll LOVE that!  No, actually, he wouldn’t and he’d probably say “Umm, whore…shut the hell up!!!”, but I digress (and way too much!!)

In other news, there really isn’t other news.   It’s been hot as fuck here in Florida and this makes me bitchy(er).  I’ve even taken to wearing dresses now.  Anyone who seriously knows me knows that I don’t wear dresses.  I just think I look very “moose like” in them.  Umm, 95 degree temps in May…yeah, screw that notion.  Mooses be damned, I’m now wearing dresses.  And yanno what?  I kinda like them.  My boobs look great in them and ya get a nice breeze all the way up to Vajayjay Town.

So that’s that.  It’s now like 6:41 a.m. and I’ve got to get my Auntly duties going on up in here.  Lunches to be made, breakfast to be fixed and morning tempers to be soothed.  I might even be nice and make my sister some coffee.  Maybe.  I don’t want to be TOO productive today and have anyone getting used to it, know what I mean, Jellybean??